


even when i lose my head

by doubledeadgirl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, please go listen to guillotine by jon bellion, thank you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 03:29:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17439101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubledeadgirl/pseuds/doubledeadgirl
Summary: ❝ sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe ❞in which bellamy and clarke are war torn and tired. in which bellamy and clarke need each other.inspired by guillotine by jon bellion ; au ; skewed timeline because i just wanna believe they get to be happy alright ; canon exists but where? where is it? what did i do with it? the world may never know!





	even when i lose my head

**Author's Note:**

> this is not great and didn't... really follow what i had in mind but i just wanted them to be fluffy ok these broken babies deserve happiness don't y'all agree? all they've known is pain! it's unfair! unbelievable!

Clarke was tired. God, she was  _so tired._ She was tired of being Wanheda. She was tired of being the fearless leader. She was tired of trying to make up for her sins. She was tired of so many things. She longed for the Ark, with it's seclusion and secrecy, at least there she could sleep without as many nightmares.

She had been tempted to get a cup of coffee, she wouldn't be getting more sleep tonight anyway. She sighed, deciding to head to the mess hall, careful not to wake Madi in the bed above her. She smiled at her sleeping daughter, and pulled a sweatshirt on over her tank top.

Her fingers had just clasped around the coffee cup when someone brushed against her shoulder, reaching for their own. The old Clarke would have jumped, this Clarke prepared for a fight. She turned, maybe a little too quickly, and came face to face with Bellamy. A little too face to face, really. "Can't sleep?" She asked on her breath of relief.

"Was the empty coffee mug going to be your weapon?" He chuckled, knowingly. He smiled as her brow scrunched at him in response. "No, I'm having a miserable time trying to sleep. The empty room is making me feel worse, somehow." He shrugged and poured both of their drinks. "What about you?"

_Oh, you know, every time I close my eyes I hear the screams of the people in Mount Weather because of me. I see Lexa bleeding out because of me. I see my mom hanging because of me. I hear her say to start with you. I see Primfaya. I feel my skin melting off. I see war. I see pain. Makes the sleep thing hard._

All the things she could have said if she hadn't just shrugged instead. "One of those nights." It had gotten better when she was in Eden. There no one knew her. When she found Madi, she was able to talk about the things that had happened without the same pain. She could frame the stories about her friends anyway she wanted to, without centering her own involvement, but that wasn't an option now. "It's kind of nice to have some company for it, this time."

His brown raised, "is it common?"

 _Yes._ "No."

"It is for me. I usually just stare at my ceiling." He was being open, because he knew she wouldn't crack first. Standing there alone with their coffee you'd think she'd give in and talk about it, but he knew better. He  _knew_ her.

She cracked. "Yeah, that's what I do. Sometimes I draw, but it's hard to have light without waking Madi." Her eyes had softened, and the two started walking. They talked quietly, about the things they didn't bring up often. Sharing each other's burdens as they did with everything else. They had bones in their closet, but neither minded as they hung their own.

She thought about when she wrote his name on the list. He thought about when he wrote hers.  _Write it down, or I will write it down for you._

~~_You still have hope?_ ~~

~~_We still breathing?_ ~~

They ended up in his room, sitting on his bed. She never realized how much better it felt to talk about it. Neither did he. They never had time for their own pain before, they were always too busy taking care of everyone else. Taking care of each other felt nice. She didn't remember their fingers intertwining, but it was comforting to feel his squeeze hers. "You're not a bad person, you know." He whispered.

"Neither are you." It was quiet for a minute before she dropped her eyes to their fingers and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. For everything. For leaving after Mount Weather. For not being there for you when you needed me. Fo-"

"I left you on a planet that was being engulfed in nuclear fire and you're apologizing to  _me?_ " He laughed, and so did she.

_~~You want forgiveness? Fine, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven, okay?~~ _

_~~If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven.~~ _

 

He used his other hand to pull her chin up, to make her look at him. "You told me the things we've done to survive don't define us. You were right." His fingers grazed her jaw. "We have to forgive ourselves — let ourselves have something."

She remembered telling him to use his head, and him telling her that that was what he had her for, but maybe this one time,  _just this once_ , she'd let both of them be the heart. "And what is it you want, Bellamy?" She was practically breathless already. Her lips were already turning up at the corners.

"Permission."

"Yes."

Their lips met, and it was soft. It almost didn't feel real. They smiled as his hand slipped into her hair and hers rested on his shoulder. The weight on their shoulders eased and they parted. "I'm always going to need you, Bellamy. Even when I can't admit it." Her voice was quiet.

"I love you, Clarke Griffin."

"I love you, Bellamy Blake."

They didn't talk much more, simply tried for sleep once more, her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.  _This_ was how it was always supposed to be. The head and the heart. They were meant to be. Even when they lose their minds, even when they aren't sure of themselves. Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin were in it together.

"Sleep well, Princess."

"I thought we were past that!"

_~~Love is weakness.~~ _

_~~I was being weak.~~ _

**Author's Note:**

> what's up my name's clarke i'm 20 something and i never fucking learned self care!
> 
> one of these days i'll give bellarke a proper fic with a plot and you'll all wish i had stuck with this bc it's gonna be angst!
> 
> sorry for the meme filled summary and notes! that's all i'm good at doing! thanks for reading!


End file.
